What do children go through during divorce and what can we do for them as parents?
Divorce is a major change in an adult’s life, but for a child it is even more traumatic, confusing and incomprehensible. Even when parents try to divorce amicably, children sense the change and experience the legal and relationship settlements that adults go through as emotional uncertainty.
As a divorce coach, psychologist and mediator I am often asked: „Is it possible, and if so, how can this period be managed to minimise the emotional burden on the children?” In this post, I will answer this question.
What do children experience during a divorce?
A child’s emotional foundation is their family and the secure environment of their home. For children, disruption to this framework is an incomprehensible and frightening change. This is true even when parents communicate in a conscious, caring and loving way.
The most common feelings experienced by children are:
- Fear: ‘What will happen to me? Will they leave me?’
- Guilt: ‘Is it my fault? Did I behave badly?’
- Shame: ‘Other families live together. Why can’t we?’
- Anger and resentment: ‘Why can’t my parents stay together? Why don’t they listen to me?’
- Hope for a reunion: ‘Maybe they’ll get back together.’
While these feelings are natural, they can cause serious inner tension if they are not properly acknowledged, understood and discussed.
What can we do as parents for our children?
A child’s experience of divorce largely depends on how adults handle the situation. The following steps can help to provide children with security, predictability, and emotional support, even during this difficult time:
1. Talk to children! Do it openly! Do it according to their age!
It is important that children do not find out about their parents’ divorce from anyone else. You should tell them together in an honest, simple and age-appropriate way, and assure them of your love: ‘We are separating as spouses, but as parents, we will continue to work together and love you very much.’
2. Reassure them that it’s not their fault!
Children often blame themselves for their parents’ conflicts. It is therefore essential that adults reassure them: ‘This decision was made by us adults, and it is not your fault that we are divorcing.’
3. Maintain habits and routines!
Familiar daily routines, such as bedtime stories, school and after-school activities, and the presence of friends, provide children with stability and predictability. Try to maintain these routines as much as possible, even if the family environment is changing!
4. Avoid speaking negatively about the other parent!
Even if you struggle to get along as adults, children have a basic need and right to love both parents. If one parent says bad things about the other, it damages the child’s sense of identity.
5. Allow experience feelings and help process them!
If a child cries, becomes angry or withdraws, this is a natural reaction, not ‘bad behaviour’. Help them to identify and express their feelings. ‘I can see that you are sad. It’s perfectly okay to feel that way.’
6. Support the child, even if the process is very stressful for you!
Adults experience pain and loss, too. However, children need their parents — even if they are not perfect — to be present, attentive and loving more than ever.
Divorce does not necessarily have to cause long-term damage. It can be handled in a way that makes children feel important and loved, and reassures them that both parents are there for them. Not everything has to be done perfectly. Try to support the child, listen to them and learn about their needs and your own. It can help a lot if you ask for information or support. Child-centred divorce counselling was created for this very reason, to ensure that you don’t have to carry this burden alone and that you can rely on a professional to support you or your child(ren) emotionally during this sensitive time.
If you or your child(ren) need support during this process, reach out for support using one of the contact details below!